For My Sweet Aiden ...

It's been a year. Did you know that? Can you believe it? I've dreaded this day for an entire year. What will I do? How will I be? My friends and family wonder what it will be like for me? It's almost as though everything that I've done and gone through over the last year has built up to this day. Today. The anniversary of the worst day of my life.

This morning I woke up just like I do every morning. And Aiden wasn't there. I got dressed just like I do every morning and Aiden wasn't there. I drove to work just like I do every day and Aiden wasn't there. I realized that everything that I built up for was for something that doesn't exist. I am not sure what I expected of today but nothing is different. I do the same things I do everyday and Aiden is not there. He will not be there. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever. i want Aiden back more than anything but that will NEVER happen. It might seem odd or unusual but it took me a year to figure this out.

I told myself on my way to work this morning that I was going to do a strong post. Something to show everyone that I am strong and this does not hold me back or slow me down. You know what? That's not the case. I am sad. I am still mourning. I still hurt. I never go a day without thinking about what I lost. I also never go a day without thinking of what I have and it's what I have the keeps me going. I am not a product of what I've lost. I am a product of what I have and what I have is more than a lot of people. I have Ashleigh who is a blessing that no one will ever really see more than I do. I have two sons who I thought I would never have and I have 3 kids more than millions of women who deal with infertility just like I did and do not have success. I am a women who has suffered A LOSS but I am not a women who has LOST.

I realized how selfish I have been about my feeling. I don't think I've been poor me all the time but I've definitely not taken the time to look at everyone else's loss as well. Aiden wasn't just a son. He was a grandchild, a brother, a great grandchild, a nephew, a great grand nephew. Have I felt the pain that everyone else feels? Have I reached out to be there for others who suffer just as I do but stay strong for me? No. I have not. I've stayed within my own suffering and never once thought of anyone else and their pain. It took me a year to realize that I am not the only one that suffered a loss. I am sorry for everyone who lost Aiden - not just myself and I am sorry that until today I never took the time to realize that I was not the only one who lost something special.

I heard a song on the radio this morning and of course every song reminded me of something that made me cry until I came to one by Amy Grant called "It Takes A Little Time". I am sure everyone has heard it but there are several lines in there that for some reason made me feel that everything is going to be OK. It helped me give myself a "break" ....

It takes a little time sometimes ... to get your feet back on the ground

It takes a little time sometimes ... to get the titanic turned back around

It takes a little time sometimes ... but baby you're not going down

It takes more than you've got right now ... Give it time

What's this walking thru my door ... I know I've seen the look before

Sometimes in faces on the street ... Sometimes in the mirror looking back at me

You can't fix this pain with money ... You can't rush a weary soul

You can't sweep it under the rug, now honey it don't take a lot to know

Now it may not be over by morning ... But rome wasn't built in a day

You can name this thing a thousand times ... But it won't make it go away

Let me put my arms around you ... And hold you while you weep

We've been talking and talking ... I'm sick of this talk

And it's nothing that won't keep


Not sure what the song means in general but for me it means that my ship will not sink - I just need to turn it around and refocus. I have a lot of passengers on my ship and they need me. Aiden has moved on - he doesn't need me - I was there for him when he did need me but Ashleigh, Adam and Andrew still need me. As do my husband, parents, grandparents, etc. Today - I am turning my titanic around. We've turned. We missed the iceberg and we are fine. At 3:00 PM today I will mourn the loss of Aiden. I will remember Aiden but I will pull myself back together and be there for my family. I will hug my kids and be thankful for what I have!

Someone told me a year ago today ... "You will never be as sad as you are right now". At the time I was so angry that someone would say that to me but I've often thought about that statement and wondered if the pain would be less. I think that person was right. I am not as sad as I was a year ago today and I think that every year will be better than the year before.

I made it. I made it a year and I didn't fall apart. I did it. With a few minor set back days I battled this and won. I didn't let this consume me or take over my life. This is one of my greatest accomplishment. I wanted so badly to curl up and feel sorry for myself. I didn't want to deal with this. During all of my pregnancies I've always said "I could never deal with the loss of a child - I would just die". I was wrong. I didn't die. A part of me died but I did not. I survived. I am stronger and better person. I am the mother of Aiden and no one can take that away from me. The love I have for him is in heart and always will be. He might not be here physically but he is here with me just the same. He is my quietest child. He never cries or throws fits but he will always be my son, your grandson, your brother, your nephew or your friends baby. Please remember Aiden Daniel Brown today!!